I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No