Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.