Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
had to make it
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God