Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You Might Also Like
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I feel it
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I love art.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that