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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*