ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Introverted vegans go meetless
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison