Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.