One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.