Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…