mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .