My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
oh my gosh!!