I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*