I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
how high up are we talkin’?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man