Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.