“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Phones down.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?