3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.