When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?