You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
can’t catch a break
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.