me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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Spa day..😅
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)