me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.