Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?