*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
βI have a favourite holeβ, me, at the pool table.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
no cat here
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I love you and all but Iβd push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Iβm willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase βwhat in tarnationβ so now I know what itβs like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
I chose trial by fire, witch wasnβt my best idea.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants donβt have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queenβ¦
Conference calls are fun because no one knows Iβm really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
βDid the boys show you the movie they made thatβs 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?β
If βsurf and turfβ didnβt rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today