Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Möther may I have a snäck
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I hope Alan is OK
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home