Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
You Might Also Like
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.