“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that