Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Waiting for the Charmin
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.