Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Got him!
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*serious situation*
My brain:
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…