Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]