[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.