[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN