listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
#Caturday
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
What about second breakfast?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
the pigeons are already plenty salty
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Saw online –
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.