My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.