“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sex so good you see dead people.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.