“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
philosophical skeletons be like
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
monday
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO