Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
You Might Also Like
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
sliding into dms like
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
s
oc
i
a
l
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours