My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here