I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’m sure it’s fine.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.