Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.