Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Blew out my flip flop…
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.