Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
no regrets
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
lol
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.