Single and childfree like Jesus
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Did I do this right
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Dietest Coke
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.