6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.