*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.