My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
fun fact: nike is short for nichael