If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.