You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
*offers Batman cough drops*