I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.