the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
boat question
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
🛁
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
i was baptized in a car wash
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.