Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You Might Also Like
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!