This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You Might Also Like
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*